So I have been going on 4 mile kick ass walks on the days that Kyleigh has school. I need to lose all the weight I gained (again) while we were going through the whole Early Intervention people in my house throw food in my mouth all day long routine. Yesterday while I was walking, it was a beautiful morning and it seemed like every corner I turned there was another butterfly. I always like to think of butterfly's as a sign from Zachary and boy I guess he was trying to cheer me on yesterday! So of course my mind wanders to the what ifs, my life would be so different if he did not die. There would be no Brianna, that I am sure I would not have had another baby a year later. Matter of fact all of my children would be different ages, the girls may not be girls and who knows if they would be the same kids? What kind of mother would I be to a little boy? I am sure I would not be so involved with dancing school, what would his interests be? I always wonder if that was God's way of preparing me for what was to come. Whenever I get the "oh you poor girl 2 kids on the autism spectrum" look or talk from people I tell them they are alive and healthy and for that I am forever grateful. I don't tell them about Zachary because I am tired of the pity looks from people, yes he was my son and he died, but he taught me so much. He taught me that life is way too short and fragile, to stop and smell the roses and look at the beauty around us. I remember driving to the airport when we were flying him home to be buried and the fields of red poppies all around and how beautiful they were and wishing he were there to see them with me. He taught me to never take anything for granted to love with all my heart. He taught me that Autism is not the end all and there are way worse things that could be wrong with my girls that they are beautiful and smart and friggin fantastic (if I may say so myself!). So that brought me to this poem that I read a lot when I was pregnant with Brianna if tells my feelings so well
A Different Child
A different child, people notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow surrounded by love
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day you'll understand.
You'll understand there was once another child.
A different child.
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.
That child will never keep them up at night.
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all...
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever:
How infinitely precious,
How infinitely fragile is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost
you will tell them with great compassion:
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here because my parents tried again."
I still shed tears about Zachary (like right now) but mostly I enjoy talking to the girls about him, he is their brother, they may have not been here yet but I like to think that he picked out these beauties to send to me. So go out today and see the beauty around you, and if you happen to see a butterfly say hello to Zachary.