Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Sitting back and taking it all in

So whats a girl to do?  You find out your dear husband is bad mouthing you to everyone who has some sort of hearing.  You hear how horrible you are, how wonderful he is, how much he loves his kids, how much he loves his wife and how he wishes she would realize how wonderful he is, how you want to be back in high school again and party all the time, how he would be happier without her, how he found himself on a 2 week business trip to the Caribbean, blah blah blah.  First of all I am not horrible he has it damn good, I don't ask anything of the bastard (hey two can play this game you wanna bad mouth me be ready to hear it back) all he has to do is go to work and bring home a pay check I handle everything else and I mean EVERYTHING else, paying bills, kids Dr appts (and there are a lot of them) therapy, school work, homework, camp, after school activities, play dates, baths, boo boo's etc.  Could I be nicer, I am sure I could be but I am tired and worn out and could use a little help from time to time.  For a man who swears how much he loves his kids and swears he cant imagine them in his life everyday he has a funny way of showing it, he has been gone for a week and a half he has called home twice, yep twice, he has a world blackberry through work he could call he just chooses not too.  Back in high school hmm don't we all kinda wish we had a do over and could be back in high school.  I admit when I found out Kyleigh had Autism and I heard how they did not really expect too much improvement from her and that most things at 18 months she was doing on a 2-3 month level I kinda lost it, I went out too much, I ran away from home any time I could.  Do I regret it, not really it is what I had to do to get through it all.  I still managed to handle therapy with my child daily 2 -3 times a day some days, and my big ones got off to school and all there activities no one missed a thing.  Hey Mister I would be happier without your sorry ass around here too, but I decided to keep you around so I could be here for my girls, but I am thinking that was a bad choice.  I was planning on leaving you 4 years ago but then I got pregnant and that all went out the window.  I have been unhappy for the past 5-6 years I gave up my life for you, I moved all over the place for you, what did you give up for me?  Oh right nada nothing zilch.....  Oh and for the finding yourself on a 2 week business trip to the Caribbean um hello yeah I think anyone can find themselves in the Caribbean for 2 weeks away from reality.  I know I sure could if I could trust you to care for my kids and pay attention to them and not have the 3 year old you know the one with Autism walk out the front door and my 9 year old the other one with Autism be the one to tell you then maybe I would head to the nearest tropical island so I can find myself.  You know scratch that I HAVE found myself and that is why I don't give a rats ass anymore I deserve better I am a fantastic woman, I am funny, I love to laugh, I am pretty damn good mother, and you don't deserve someone as friggin fantastic as me!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

What goes through ones mind?

I ask this question to myself quite often, what goes through ones mind?  A man who swears he loves his wife and children more then life itself to the women he talks to online, goes away and calls home one time in a week.  Swears his new location has better phone reception yet still does not give a call?  I wonder sometimes what truly is going on?  For 10 years I tried I really did, I threw myself into it whole hearted, then the pain of being hurt time and time again became too much for me to handle and I turned my heart off.  Again he swore things would be different and maybe they were for a short while, but that went out the window and I think things may be worse then ever. I don't know how much longer things can go on like this, and sometimes I hope it does not go on much longer at all.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Sure she is cute now.....

So this morning dropping Jillian off at camp Kyleigh managed to get herself out of her car seat so I took her out of the car with me.  She was very excited they had a radio playing and was dancing and kept going over to Jillian to say hi.  All of the counselors were going on about how cute she was, and well yeah she is how can you not love her with her giant blue eyes and curls I mean really you cant.  But little did they know most of what she was doing was not dancing, she was flapping her arm and spinning like she does every time she is excited not just because music was playing.  What is going to happen when she is 10 and is still flapping her arms and spinning every time she is excited.  It wont be so cute anymore and all the smiles we receive now will be looks of bewilderment and pity.  I don't know if I am ready for that or will ever be.

How different would life be?

So I have been going on 4 mile kick ass walks on the days that Kyleigh has school.  I need to lose all the weight I gained (again) while we were going through the whole Early Intervention people in my house throw food in my mouth all day long routine.  Yesterday while I was walking, it was a beautiful morning and it seemed like every corner I turned there was another butterfly.  I always like to think of butterfly's as a sign from Zachary and boy I guess he was trying to cheer me on yesterday!  So of course my mind wanders to the what ifs, my life would be so different if he did not die.  There would be no Brianna, that I am sure I would not have had another baby a year later.  Matter of fact all of my children would be different ages, the girls may not be girls and who knows if they would be the same kids?  What kind of mother would I be to a little boy?  I am sure I would not be so involved with dancing school, what would his interests be?  I always wonder if that was God's way of preparing me for what was to come.  Whenever I get the "oh you poor girl 2 kids on the autism spectrum" look or talk from people I tell them they are alive and healthy and for that I am forever grateful.  I don't tell them about Zachary because I am tired of the pity looks from people, yes he was my son and he died, but he taught me so much.  He taught me that life is way too short and fragile, to stop and smell the roses and look at the beauty around us.  I remember driving to the airport when we were flying him home to be buried and the fields of red poppies all around and how beautiful they were and wishing he were there to see them with me.  He taught me to never take anything for granted to love with all my heart.  He taught me that Autism is not the end all and there are way worse things that could be wrong with my girls that they are beautiful and smart and friggin fantastic (if I may say so myself!).  So that brought me to this poem that I read a lot when I was pregnant with Brianna if tells my feelings so well

A Different Child

A different child, people notice

There's a special glow around you.

You grow surrounded by love

Never doubting you are wanted;

Only look at the pride and joy

In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes between the smiles

There's a trace of tears,

One day you'll understand.

You'll understand there was once another child.

A different child.

Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.

That child will never keep them up at night.

In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all...

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,

When mother and father miss so much

That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly

And may you learn the lesson forever:

How infinitely precious,

How infinitely fragile is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman

You may see another mother's tears

Another father's silent grief

Then you, and you alone will understand

And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost

you will tell them with great compassion:

"I know how you feel.

I'm only here because my parents tried again."
I still shed tears about Zachary (like right now) but mostly I enjoy talking to the girls about him, he is their brother, they may have not been here yet but I like to think that he picked out these beauties to send to me.  So go out today and see the beauty around you, and if you happen to see a butterfly say hello to Zachary.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Boring Days

I kinda like boring days, I find them to be quite enjoyable.  Days where nothing exciting happens, no tantrums, no fighting, just beautiful glorious hot summer days.  The girls are all doing so well, Brianna and Jillian are enjoying camp tomorrow is the big birthday celebration at camp.  They celebrate the rec camps 48th year and everyone in the camps unbirthday.  They get to bring in a treat to share so I got them candy, ya know since they cant bring it into school might as well be able to live it up during the summer.  Kyleigh is still enjoying school I am contemplating dance for her in September, I know I must be nuts 3 kids in dance I will probably have to set up camp there but I love watching them all dance!  Me I am doing just fine, feeling like a human again, exercising is going well up to 4 miles a day walking up some big ass hills.  I am feeling good and know as long as I keep it up and eat healthy and smart I will be where I want to be one of these days.  Off to bed for me I am one tired Momma!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Were going to the beach, the beach, the beach

So its Monday again and man I am so glad its Monday this weekend exhausted me!  I spent most of the day Saturday food shopping and getting stuff to head to the beach.  We are not much of beach people (OK it is just me, something about sand in the cooter is just not appealing) so I had to go and get chairs and an umbrella to keep us beach happy.  I was on a mad hunt for one of those cool beach carts, unlucky for me I was too late in the game for that so I got us a good ole fashioned granny cart I bet I looked super cool!  So we were off to the beach yesterday early in the morning.  A friend invited us to go with her and I thought what the hell, Dad is getting to go to the Caribbean for 2 weeks for a business trip (bastard) we might as well head down to the Jersey Shore for some fun and sun.  We get there and shockingly enough Kyleigh was ok with it at first, but it kinda went downhill from there.  She did not want to touch the sand so she spent most of the day sitting in a beach chair (sure glad I got 4 of them!) and we took turns taking the girls to the water and hanging with Kyleigh.  Brianna, oh my Brianna afraid of other kids but man she can take on that ocean with not an ounce of fear!  She was riding the waves, jumping in the waves, swimming, just having a plain ole good time!  I get such joy watching her when she is actually having fun, there is a true smile on her face not the forced one we see from her when she feels like she should be smiling.  Jillian of course was her little diva self sunning dipping her hair in the ocean and flipping it back a la Farrah Faucet, I don't know what I am gonna do with that girl (I know sit back and watch her in amazement I am super jealous of her love of herself and life).  We were all exhausted and headed home after 5 hours of beach fun came home and collapsed that was after loads of laundry and scrubbing down of kids and myself.  I promised to take Brianna back to the beach and get her her own boogie board I kinda cant wait to get back there, sand in the cooter and all!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Tired Just Plain Tired

So hmmm today was a good day, yep it really was.  Kyleigh went off to preschool skipping all the way to the bus.  Both Brianna and Jillian went off to camp (saw Brianna talking with the one of the girls from yesterday before I pulled away???) and then I went for a kick ass walk around the park with lots of hills and burned 546 calories according to my heart rate monitor GO ME!  But I am tired, I have been staying up way too late watching too much crappy TV which usually consists of TLC, HGTV or the Food Network.  Add in all the exercising I have done this week I am cooked, done, utterly and totally finished!  But guess what I get to take Jillian to dance class again tonight (I thought it was summer???).  The dance teacher she has tonight is ummmmm a little too serious for my liking.  She has to be in full dance gear leotard, tights and hair in a bun.....what the hell was I thinking when I agreed to this competition dance stuff last year??  Oh I remember the joy of watching my girl shake her ass up on that stage while I beamed with pride, yep that's it.  But I am tired damn kill joys of my laid back take time back for myself summer.....

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Girls Are Mean

That's right you heard it correctly, this Mommy of 3 little girls thinks that girls are mean!!  Lets see where can we start this?  Brianna did not want to go to camp today, I cant say I blame the girl it is raining and they bus the kids to local schools cant be much fun.  Kyleigh went off to school without a tear (YAY!) and my social butterfly Jillian went off to camp without a hitch.  I told Brianna that she would have to go for a walk with me this morning since she was not going to camp (Momma is on a roll she has gone out walking at week GO MOMMA!).  She agreed not happily and went along with me.  We went to a local park that she goes fishing with her Dad so she knew the place.  She grumped along complaining about mosquito's, ticks, chipmunks, squirrels etc etc.  So I told her instead of complaining why don't we talk about life?  Oh you know how happy she was?  About as happy as I am when I cant fit into my pants anymore, get the drift?  Well she went along with the idea, I asked about camp and who does she talk to.  She went on to tell me that this little girls she was friends with all year in school, the little girl who was at my house numerous times, the little girl I fed and bought ice cream from the ice cream truck for is now ignoring her.....Hmmm HUH?  So of course I ask why? (like she knows) She said that she is now friends with another little girl who we also were friends with the year before but they ignore her.  So you know the Momma bear in me is now just fuming I wanna go and shake these girls and say what the hell is your problem??? But of course I don't but I am mad and I guess I still am mad.  So then I ask who does she talk to, there is silence she says no one.  Can you hear it?  Yep that is my heart breaking.  I know, I know in my head that my girl is different, a little weird, yeah, kinda goofy, I know I see it.  But my heart knows what a freaking awesome kid she is, she has a heart as big as gold, her love of animals is just AMAZING (she better be some kind of veterinarian when she grows up!).  I remember being a kid and all of a sudden the girl you were best friends with for years just all of a sudden stopped talking to you for no reason and it sucked, it sucked big balls!  She said she trys talking to this little um angel (OK that is not the words I am thinking but I am sure you can imagine what I really want to say) but she totally ignores her.  So now here is where my problem starts do I try to get in contact with the camp counselor and see if she can get her more involved with the kids?  Or do I let it go, Brianna swears she does not care about not talking to anyone and honestly I don't think she does.  But when I see her playing with kids she does like she is full of smiles and happy and glowing.  UGH!!!! UGH!!!! UGH!!!  OK I am off to cuddle with my girl maybe that will make my heart happy, ooooh I think I am going to call her friend (who is a boy and who rocks!!) and see if he is staying home from camp today. 

Monday, July 12, 2010

Chugga Chugga Choo Choo

AMAZING, that is the only word that comes to mind when I think of my baby Blow Fish, truly AMAZING.  All weekend when I asked her about school she would reply in her loudest and whiny voice "SCHOOOOOOOLLLL"  I thought for sure this morning was going to be a nightmare.  I decided I would not mention a word about school or the ssssshhhh dreaded bus.  Well it must have worked to my advantage because the bus came, I grabbed her hand, told her come on Kyleigh it is time to go and off we went.  She walked down the steps holding my hand, got to the bottom, and made a RUN for the bus saying "hi hi hi hi hi" all the way there to the ladies that work on the bus.  This is the girl who will not leave the front porch on her own except to go get in the car.  This is the girl who cried the first 3 days of school and on day number 4 after 3 days off of school RUNS for the bus.  Are you baffled?  I know I am but I am also just so darn proud of her. 

I know it sounds crazy but I swear she is saying more and also speaking more clearly after just 3 days of school.  I knew she would do well once she got accustomed to school but I was not expecting to see changes so soon.  I keep praying that the teachers are seeing all of this and how truly smart she is (This is not just her Mom talking here, she is scary smart, like genius smart no clue where the heck it comes from).  I am still holding out for putting her in a class with less severely disabled kids.  I know and understand their reasoning, they don't want her to be an outcast with her peers, blah blah blah, she is 3 they all have delays of some sort what kind of outcast can she be?  They don't seem to care about that when it comes to her older sister so why does it matter so much to a 3 year old who is totally clueless in this department.  Well anyway I am off to get my booty on the treadmill, I cant believe I stayed on a diet all week with all this stress, go me!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Day Two We Are Getting Somewhere!

So lets start with the end of Day 1 here, Baby Blow Fish bus pulled up behind a super slow garbage truck I could not wait any longer so I went and snatched her up 4 houses down.  She looked stunned and tired but there were no tears so that was a good thing.  We cuddled for a bit and then she took off to the back of the house.  It got really quiet I figured she climbed into her sisters bed and fell asleep.  I went looking for her a little bit later we had to get her sisters from camp. I go looking nope not in Jillian's bed, nope not in her bed, my bed ummmm nope. Now I am starting to panic I start calling her name go outside searching nothing.  Go back in the house looking under beds bathrooms, finally I look in my closet and there she is fast asleep sitting up between the clothes fast asleep, I guess preschool knocked her out!

So we are onto day 2 now I was expecting the worst today.  But guess what????? SHE GOT ON THE BUS WITHOUT CRYING!!!   Well yes she did have a look of panic on her face and her body was very tense but she got on said hi to the aide Sarah and sat in her seat.  Her aide Sarah is an angel she had a My Little Pony for Kyleigh this morning and she was excited to see it.  So now I sit waiting for her to get home after a morning of exercise, some shopping and finishing up with a pedicure and a yummy salad.  Life is good!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Her first day

I have been dreading this day for months now.  I thought the therapy through early intervention was bad, there was nothing as bad as seeing the look of terror on my baby's face as I strapped her onto that seat on that school bus.  She looked like I was sending her to the wolves and man did I feel like I was!  I may never have ran so fast in my life to get away from seeing that bus drive away with my baby in it.  Her poor sisters looked so worried with me in hysterics I always wonder if they think I am a nut?  I mean I am sure they have figured it out by now.  Driving the girls to camp was lots of fun, me bawling like a 2 year old and them reassuring ME that she will be fine.  I hugged them a little harder this morning and then I made a mad dash for the school to see my baby get off the bus.  I am surprised I did not have a police cruiser pull up and ask me what I was doing lurking between the cars in the parking lot, I was sure a parent was going to alert them of a strange woman hiding ninja style.  I finally went back to my car and no sooner did I turn the engine on that my phone started ringing.  Sure enough it was the nurse she pooped and it went all up her back and she would not let anyone change her.  Can I come and change her?  You bet your ass I will be there in 2 minutes and I meant that literally since I was still lurking and crying in the parking lot.  So I run into the office and the lady at the front desk informs me I have to go into another entrance for the summer sessions, hmm so you know what happens right?  I break down into hysterics and she starts crying along with me..... yes you read that right I made the school secretary cry.  I bet the next 3 years of me going there are going to be just great, crap here comes that chick who made me cry.  So I can hear her crying, well not just crying screaming and of course my sobbing gets even louder.  I walk in the room and I get a sweet MOMMY, she was thrilled to see me and I must say I was thrilled to see her.  There is the nurse in full hazmat gear rubber gloves etc, jeez people we are talking poop the child is not toxic (although she was pretty gross).  So I work on getting her all cleaned up and in walks Ms Brooks (although she just got married, wonder if she is going to change her name?) and she tells me how she tried everything to get her off the bus easy and that we shall email later to work on some ideas to make it easier on all parties (can I just say I am so glad there is a familiar face on my side and one who I adore!).  So we start walking to her classroom and I am calling out come on Baby Blow fish and she is calling back Momma Blow fish sigh, why did she have to grow up so fast?  She tries to dart into a classroom that is not hers and I grab her hand and she starts crying again I think crap why do they have to put her in the last classroom in the school???  So we get there and she takes off, I mean running into the classroom and I take off running the other direction because I know if I stick around it is all over with I am going to take her and make a run for it.  So she is there and I am here, I got an email from her teacher reassuring me that she is doing well, doing puzzles and smiling and her aide Sarah from the bus called to tell me she stopped crying once they started driving.  I am so glad that they have an open line of communication with me or else I would be home still bawling instead of pacing the floors like I am doing.  Two hours till my Baby Blow fish is home and I can cuddle with her till its time to go get my other blow fish and maybe treat them all to some ice cream!