Some People Will Never Ever Get It

I am always amazed at how people just don't "get" it.  Don went home to Texas for a family reunion (that's another bitch fest all in its self) and since we are never able to go since it is Labor Day weekend and that is when school starts for us the girls never knew they were missing anything.  Well cats out of the bag and Brianna was really really upset, I mean the kinda upset not with crying but the kinda of upset where she had those big puppy dog eyes and moped around for days on end.  She refused to talk to her Dad when he called she was locking herself in the bathroom so we would not try to force her on the phone.  So while he was gone I spoke to him and we decided it was probably a good idea to take his family off of her facebook page (yeah I know but believe me I monitor it daily) so if pictures were posted she would not get even more upset.  I sent out a really nice (believe me I did not want to be) message telling them why and that I was sorry that this offended them that I had to look out for my child's best interest.  Well the shit storm that followed was ridiculous!  The nastiness the uncaring the evil I swear I cannot believe these were adults.  They said I was denying them the right to get to know my child and they could not understand why she was upset that she did not even know them blah blah blah.  I am disgusted at these people truly disgusted.  I understand my the husband is so damn screwed up with a childhood around these people.  There is so much more to add about my disgust and anger with these folks but if I keep going I am going to lose my mind!

Blah Blah Blah

That is how I am feeling as of late blah blah blah.  I just dont give a crap about anything, now dont get me wrong the kids are still being loved on, A LOT but life itself is just taking a back seat.  My throat hurts went to the dr and there is no reason why it hurts.  That annoys me I dont hardly ever go to the dr and for me to go there must be something going on but according to the dr nope nothing nada.  Basically was told if it still hurts by Friday to come back in yeah ok cause I have so much free time on my hands.  This week is the last week of camp and school for the girls.  I am dreading the last 2 weeks of summer with them all home, the constant I am bored whining, where are we going? whining..... can I just stick some earplugs in and ignore them?  I guess I am off to do some food shopping now I dont wanna go I just want to sit on my butt and do nothing but I dont get that choice in life.

Had THE "talk" today

No no not the sex talk, the Autism talk.....I know I know Brianna is 9 and I should have talked to her a long time ago about it but you know how these things go.  She knows she is different, she gets that and I thought if I stuck a label on it that it might totally freak her out.  But I don't think it did, though she did sit down next to me a minute ago and say "darn I am sensitive" (this is her and her sisters way of talking of people who are "different").  She skipped camp today so we went out to Ihop for breakfast, I of course got the chocolate chip pancakes, hash browns & sausage, while my little quirky girl got chicken strips and fries, because ya know they make the best fries according to Bri and well she should know it is basically all the kid eats.  So we got to talking about her upcoming appointment with Dr. Roth (my savior) and I asked her if she knew why she goes and sees Dr. Roth, so that got the ball rolling.  We talked about her sensory issues and how her socks have to be on just right and how she has to wear "soft" pants and how smells can do her in and how this all went together with Autism.  Thankfully our neighbor is also autistic (well not thankfully I wish nothing more then for our kids to all be "normal)so I got to use him as an example as an extreme case of Autism, then we threw Kyleigh in the mix of a less severe case of Autism but definitely more severe then Brianna, and then there are kids like Brianna who have some issues that make life more difficult for them but we work together to get through them, because we are a team, we are family and that is what families do for each other.  I think she got it, I am not sure how she actually feels about it all, heck I am not sure how I feel about it all.  I sometimes wish I were one of those people who can skate along life with nothing bad ever happening to them, wish I still had my parents here with me, all my children, no issues, no worries.  But I guess then I would not appreciate the good that happens as much as I do.  Why does life have to be so darn difficult sometimes?

Sitting back and taking it all in

So whats a girl to do?  You find out your dear husband is bad mouthing you to everyone who has some sort of hearing.  You hear how horrible you are, how wonderful he is, how much he loves his kids, how much he loves his wife and how he wishes she would realize how wonderful he is, how you want to be back in high school again and party all the time, how he would be happier without her, how he found himself on a 2 week business trip to the Caribbean, blah blah blah.  First of all I am not horrible he has it damn good, I don't ask anything of the bastard (hey two can play this game you wanna bad mouth me be ready to hear it back) all he has to do is go to work and bring home a pay check I handle everything else and I mean EVERYTHING else, paying bills, kids Dr appts (and there are a lot of them) therapy, school work, homework, camp, after school activities, play dates, baths, boo boo's etc.  Could I be nicer, I am sure I could be but I am tired and worn out and could use a little help from time to time.  For a man who swears how much he loves his kids and swears he cant imagine them in his life everyday he has a funny way of showing it, he has been gone for a week and a half he has called home twice, yep twice, he has a world blackberry through work he could call he just chooses not too.  Back in high school hmm don't we all kinda wish we had a do over and could be back in high school.  I admit when I found out Kyleigh had Autism and I heard how they did not really expect too much improvement from her and that most things at 18 months she was doing on a 2-3 month level I kinda lost it, I went out too much, I ran away from home any time I could.  Do I regret it, not really it is what I had to do to get through it all.  I still managed to handle therapy with my child daily 2 -3 times a day some days, and my big ones got off to school and all there activities no one missed a thing.  Hey Mister I would be happier without your sorry ass around here too, but I decided to keep you around so I could be here for my girls, but I am thinking that was a bad choice.  I was planning on leaving you 4 years ago but then I got pregnant and that all went out the window.  I have been unhappy for the past 5-6 years I gave up my life for you, I moved all over the place for you, what did you give up for me?  Oh right nada nothing zilch.....  Oh and for the finding yourself on a 2 week business trip to the Caribbean um hello yeah I think anyone can find themselves in the Caribbean for 2 weeks away from reality.  I know I sure could if I could trust you to care for my kids and pay attention to them and not have the 3 year old you know the one with Autism walk out the front door and my 9 year old the other one with Autism be the one to tell you then maybe I would head to the nearest tropical island so I can find myself.  You know scratch that I HAVE found myself and that is why I don't give a rats ass anymore I deserve better I am a fantastic woman, I am funny, I love to laugh, I am pretty damn good mother, and you don't deserve someone as friggin fantastic as me!

What goes through ones mind?

I ask this question to myself quite often, what goes through ones mind?  A man who swears he loves his wife and children more then life itself to the women he talks to online, goes away and calls home one time in a week.  Swears his new location has better phone reception yet still does not give a call?  I wonder sometimes what truly is going on?  For 10 years I tried I really did, I threw myself into it whole hearted, then the pain of being hurt time and time again became too much for me to handle and I turned my heart off.  Again he swore things would be different and maybe they were for a short while, but that went out the window and I think things may be worse then ever. I don't know how much longer things can go on like this, and sometimes I hope it does not go on much longer at all.

Sure she is cute now.....

So this morning dropping Jillian off at camp Kyleigh managed to get herself out of her car seat so I took her out of the car with me.  She was very excited they had a radio playing and was dancing and kept going over to Jillian to say hi.  All of the counselors were going on about how cute she was, and well yeah she is how can you not love her with her giant blue eyes and curls I mean really you cant.  But little did they know most of what she was doing was not dancing, she was flapping her arm and spinning like she does every time she is excited not just because music was playing.  What is going to happen when she is 10 and is still flapping her arms and spinning every time she is excited.  It wont be so cute anymore and all the smiles we receive now will be looks of bewilderment and pity.  I don't know if I am ready for that or will ever be.

How different would life be?

So I have been going on 4 mile kick ass walks on the days that Kyleigh has school.  I need to lose all the weight I gained (again) while we were going through the whole Early Intervention people in my house throw food in my mouth all day long routine.  Yesterday while I was walking, it was a beautiful morning and it seemed like every corner I turned there was another butterfly.  I always like to think of butterfly's as a sign from Zachary and boy I guess he was trying to cheer me on yesterday!  So of course my mind wanders to the what ifs, my life would be so different if he did not die.  There would be no Brianna, that I am sure I would not have had another baby a year later.  Matter of fact all of my children would be different ages, the girls may not be girls and who knows if they would be the same kids?  What kind of mother would I be to a little boy?  I am sure I would not be so involved with dancing school, what would his interests be?  I always wonder if that was God's way of preparing me for what was to come.  Whenever I get the "oh you poor girl 2 kids on the autism spectrum" look or talk from people I tell them they are alive and healthy and for that I am forever grateful.  I don't tell them about Zachary because I am tired of the pity looks from people, yes he was my son and he died, but he taught me so much.  He taught me that life is way too short and fragile, to stop and smell the roses and look at the beauty around us.  I remember driving to the airport when we were flying him home to be buried and the fields of red poppies all around and how beautiful they were and wishing he were there to see them with me.  He taught me to never take anything for granted to love with all my heart.  He taught me that Autism is not the end all and there are way worse things that could be wrong with my girls that they are beautiful and smart and friggin fantastic (if I may say so myself!).  So that brought me to this poem that I read a lot when I was pregnant with Brianna if tells my feelings so well

A Different Child


A different child, people notice

There's a special glow around you.

You grow surrounded by love

Never doubting you are wanted;

Only look at the pride and joy

In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes between the smiles

There's a trace of tears,

One day you'll understand.

You'll understand there was once another child.

A different child.

Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.

That child will never keep them up at night.

In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all...

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,

When mother and father miss so much

That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly

And may you learn the lesson forever:

How infinitely precious,

How infinitely fragile is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman

You may see another mother's tears

Another father's silent grief

Then you, and you alone will understand

And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost

you will tell them with great compassion:



"I know how you feel.

I'm only here because my parents tried again."
 
I still shed tears about Zachary (like right now) but mostly I enjoy talking to the girls about him, he is their brother, they may have not been here yet but I like to think that he picked out these beauties to send to me.  So go out today and see the beauty around you, and if you happen to see a butterfly say hello to Zachary.